


Now different lives I lead, my body lives on

by sahina



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Acephobia, Biphobia, Canon Asexual Character, Character Study, Multi, non binary jon rights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22425976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sahina/pseuds/sahina
Summary: He quickly learns how to repress any part of himself he doesn’t want others to see.or, Jon's life from childhood to adulthood struggling with gender identity, sexuality and self image.
Relationships: Georgie Barker/Jonathan Sims, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 32
Kudos: 408





	Now different lives I lead, my body lives on

There has always been something different about Jon. He notices it first a little after he started attending school after the move to his grandmother’s house. He doesn’t really fit in with the other children, edges cut jagged and clashing against others. He doesn’t know why his grandmother took to removing the paint on his nails after a girl in his class had decided they would match and then scold him for it, or why he feels uncomfortable whenever the teachers refers to him as one of the boys.

By the age of fourteen it becomes especially evident when there’s gossip about who likes who and his classmates are starting to form couples. There’s talk about sex and Jon has never felt more alien among his peers. He’s also quite recently discovered he kind of fancies Noah from the class above him. He quickly learns how to repress any part of himself he doesn’t want others to see.

It certainly doesn’t help when he sees Becky’s new dress, deep red velvety fabric she wears over a white button up, and he feels a longing deep within himself that he’s quick to push down. He avoids her the rest of the day.

By seventeen he’s pretty sure he’s bisexual. Or, he’s sure he likes people no matter their gender, but he isn’t too keen on the sexual part of a relationship. In similar fashion to the people he calls friends (they have nothing in common, and don’t really spend time together outside of school, but they always save a seat for him at lunch and try to include him in their conversations) he brings a date to the premiere of a movie he can’t recall the name of. Her name is Stacy and he likes her, even thinks he might have a crush on her, but when the movie is over and they find themselves sitting in the grass of their school’s football field, her hand wanders a little too high on his thigh and his whole body screams _no_. He breaks the kiss and makes up some excuse about helping his grandmother before hurrying off. Stacy tells the people she hangs around at school about it and how she thinks he might be gay; that’s when he starts getting called slurs more than his own name. His friends still stick around, but he can tell they’re uncomfortable with his presence, so he starts keeping to himself.

Word travels fast and a week later his grandmother confronts it about him at dinner. “So, are you?” she asks, tone carefully detached. It makes all of him go cold because he knows exactly what she’s talking about.

“Pardon?” he tries. The stare she pins him with is hard and leaves no room for doubt.

“Is it true, what they’re saying?” she presses on.

He wants to ask _who?,_ and _does it really matter?,_ but he just stammers out a “N-no. I think, ah, I think i might be... bi.” he feels like he will never forget the look she gives him. It’s icy, full of resentment he’s only seen glimpses of, and she tells him that she’ll let him experiment as much as he likes, but she expects him to keep it out of her house. Jon feels the pressure of tears behind his eyes, but refuses to let them fall.

His resolve crumbles quickly when she continues, “Oh well, it’s only a phase, Jonathan. You’ll grow out of it soon enough and find yourself a nice girl to settle down with.” his tears are angry tears, humiliated and hurt, he grits his teeth and excuses himself. He pretends not to see the satisfied look on her face as he leaves. They don’t talk about it after that, and whenever someone says something at school after that, he reacts with anger so fierce most stop bothering him about it. His friends have started to completely ignore him.

When Jon turns nineteen his birthday gift to himself is to leave his hometown and begin university. He gets a tiny flat within walking distance of the school and with the money he’s saved up from working he buys himself a new wardrobe, free from his grandmother’s judging eyes. (and if he threw in a few colourful eye pencils that’s between him and the cashier he refused to make eye contact with) Looking at himself in the full length mirror hanging in the hallway of _his_ apartment, wearing clothes that makes _him_ happy, he takes a moment to really look. He runs his hand through his short hair, eyes following his newly painted nails, and vows to himself that he’s not going to cut it before he’s graduated.

On the first day of university Jon decides to just wear whatever he wants, despite the gnawing anxiety, and dresses carefully in his favourite outfit, mostly for comfort. He takes the time to put some make up on, nothing too extravagant, but enough to be noticeable. Walking onto campus for the first time he feels pride swell in his chest as he looks around himself. There are all sorts of people there. Although he thinks he could never initiate a conversation with any of them, he feels strangely validated by the fact that they exist. (he thinks briefly that aspires to be that someone for a stranger one day, someone who gives another confidence by just being himself)

He gets a few looks during the day, but it’s nothing he isn’t used to. They seem to be mostly curious ones, anyway. The first interaction that really shakes Jon’s world is when he’s done with his classes and, not quite wanting to leave just yet, has taken to reading beneath one of the trees on campus. A woman approaches him and introduces herself as Georgie Barker, just having started her second year and is very much into the band on his t-shirt. Flustered and taken aback, he stutters through a short introduction of his own.

“Is it cool if I sit with you, Jon? I have a while before my next class starts and you look like you could use the company.” he would have been offended at the implication of him looking lonely, which is unfortunately true but he couldn’t let her know that, but she seemed so genuine about it. Like she really wanted his company. So he said yes.

Before he knows it he is pulled into the very interesting life Georgie leads. He finds out all sorts of things about her, that she plays the guitar, is _really into_ the supernatural, and loves cats so much that if she weren’t living with her allergic mother she would’ve owned at least three. It only takes him a month and a half to admit to himself he might be a little in love with her. 

She’s kind of his only social life before she takes him with her to a party where he meets a _bunch_ of new people. It’s kind of overwhelming at first and he can’t really remember most of their names, but he finds he quite likes the people she introduces him to a lot. They’re all different, none of their tastes in fashion or the way they hold themselves really match, but they give off the same sort of different Georgie does, and himself he realises, and it all sort of clicks. He feels his breath get knocked out of him. Georgie must notice because she gives him the softest smile and tells him that yes, he isn’t alone. He doesn’t cry. Not really, but he’s close. It’s stupid, he thinks, but he feels like he might have found a place where he belongs. Far away from the town he grew up in, far away from his grandmother. 

It’s at that party, tipsy as he is, he finds himself sitting on one of the couches with Geogie’s head in his lap and his hands in her hair, listening as one of her friends talks about their recent break up. (” _They_?" Jon had asked after their introduction. Georgie nodded, “They. They’re non-binary, Jon, which to them means they’re neither man nor woman. They sometimes align with womanhood though, in which they prefer to be called she, but today it’s they.” something settled in his chest, something he decided to file away to examine tomorrow, so he just replied with “Oh.”) He is more at peace than he has been for the first nineteen years of his life.

At twenty, Jon can confidently say he’s asexual. It feels like a weight the size of a small town is taken off his shoulders upon finding the right label. When he tells Georgie she’s accepting and tells him that she loves him no differently. He thinks he will never love someone more than he loves her. Everything is going great for Jon at this time. He's made some friends of his own and they’ve started a band together _;_ andhe’s gotten a cat that he allows Georgie to name, and she loves it so much that he considers the cat more hers than his.

So of course some of it shatters when his grandmother visits. He thinks she sees it at some sort of obligation as a guardian, and he would rather she didn’t, but he doesn’t want to refuse her this. In preparation Jon refrains from putting on make up, wears his most neutral clothes and tucks away any clothing that isn’t considered _right_ as she had put it, once. (he can’t do anything about his long hair, barely gracing his shoulders, besides putting it up and hoping she doesn’t comment on it) Georgie is there to support him and all goes well, until he admits they’re dating and his grandmother gives him the same look of satisfaction she had all those years ago. Her words, “I see you’ve finally settled then,” feels like a blow to his chest that hurts as much as it angers him. He wants to scream at her, to tell her she’s _wrong_ and that he’s never going to stop being who he is, but he holds his tongue. Even after all this time he can’t bring himself to outright oppose her, so he lets it go.

The rest of it shatters not even a year later, when his and Georgie's relationship finally reaches the breaking point. They both take it bad, and it hurts all the more because he can’t blame any of it on her. When they split, a little after Georgie’s graduation, she gets The Admiral. She doesn’t ask, but Jon isn’t a monster all the way to the core. A lot of his friends were her friends so they end up leaving him alone as well, not after putting in the effort to stay in contact though, but Jon has never been good at keeping people in his life, so one by one they drift away. He still performs with his bandregularly and sometimes, he thinks he can spot Georgie in the audience, but he never seeks her out afterwards. It stings a little too much.

He lands a job interview at the Magnus Institute a few years after his graduation, and somehow manages to get it despite how unimpressed the head seemed, he gets a position as a researcher. The first day of his new job he decides against dressing for comfort and goes for a simple button up and slacks, aiming for a more professional look. He still wears make up though, just a little eyeliner, because he can’t go in _completely naked._

He finds though, that the stale office atmosphere gets to him after a while, so he stops wearing make up entirely. His clothes consist more and more of typical office wear, sometimes he’ll just wear a t-shirt if it’s hot, but there’s no place for the elaborate dresses and skirts he owns; the band disbands during this time, so he doesn’t really wear any of it anymore. He doesn’t have the heart to throw most of it away though, so he keeps it in the back of his closet.

When he’s appointed as head archivist, he cuts his hair for the first time since his first year of university. If anyone asks, it’s because he thinks short hair makes him look more professional, but really it’s because it hurts a little too much to see himself like that- like a shadow of his former self. A self he was comfortable with.

The years pass and he feels more and more like the scared child moving to a new town to live with his grandmother again, like the jagged puzzle piece that doesn’t fit against any other. Then he dies and wakes from a coma, an entire half year later. It’s dumb, but the first thing he notices when he wakes is that his hair is long enough again to brush his shoulders. When he comes back to the institute everything has changed; it’s a dark place and where there used to be warmth, steaming tea mugs and soft-looking jumpers, is now cold. Jon is tired, so tired, and he doesn’t have it in him to care anymore. If the world is ending and he’s alone again, he might as well die as himself, so he starts wearing make up again. He wears one of his nicer dresses, a deep red, velvety looking thing, and ties his hair up. It’s a far cry from the fashion of an angry teenager who wanted the world to see he wasn’t the same, but it’s still him. It feels like it’s the him he would be if he allowed himself such a thing earlier.

Then everything goes to shit and Jon has to leave London with Martin. Martin, who upon being asked what he saw back in the Lonely, surprised him and asked if he was wearing eyeliner. The laughter that rang out between them had healed some of the wounds in his heart, wounds that Jon had no idea were there, and he couldn’t help but think that he could never love someone as much as he loves Martin.


End file.
